They say that our brains (or our minds) are the biggest sex organ that we have. I (Rachel) will tell you why I agree with that.
Sex has been a contention point for almost our entire 22 years of marriage. As I look back, there could’ve been a lot of pain and heartache avoided had I known what I know today. But I didn’t. I was ill prepared for marriage and it plagued me for many many years. I had developed a belief system about sex that kept me from enjoying sex like God made me to. There were so many nights that both of us would go to bed crying, hurt and upset. I just never understood why I was so not interested in sex. Many times I was convinced there was something wrong with me. I loved my husband, I truly did. But he did not feel that love cause he was dying inside little by little every time I said no to sex. Just talking about sex made me upset. I didn’t think about sex. I didn’t want sex. I dreaded sex. Oh don’t get me wrong. When I did engage, it was good. It wasn’t painful or anything like that. So what was the problem? My mind. My mind had developed a way of thinking that convinced me that sex was not for me, sex was dirty, and that sex was a chore or a duty that I owed my husband. I dreaded it every time. I cringed when my husband would bring up the subject. And because of this, it kept me from hearing his heart when he would conjure up enough confidence to say something to me about how he needed and wanted sex. I heard the words but my heart did not. I saw his pain but my own struggles kept me from making any changes. I just did not understand why sex was such a big deal to him. Why did he always think about sex? Why did he want me to enjoy sex when I clearly did not? I was convinced that he had to just accept how I was, end of story. Until one day…
Wes and I listened to a Facebook live video on sex and the male physical anatomy. We had never heard anybody talk so freely about sex EVER! It was crazy. But as we listened, it opened up the door for both of us to talk about things we had never talked about before with each other. It was the beginning of our road to victory. I shared some things. Wes shared some things. And I would say for the very first time in 21 years we experienced what it was like to be intimate. There was no sex but there was a lot of getting naked with things we had never exposed to each other before.
I began to uncover why I thought the way I did. I discovered that my problem was not with how I was made but that the problem was in my mind. It was like a light went on my head and I realized I needed to change my thoughts and attitudes about sex. But how was I going to do that? I decided that I was going to learn all I could about sex. I bought book after book that helped me develop a new way of thinking. It was a tough journey because there were times I felt like I wasn’t going to succeed. The learning curve was very steep and I felt like I was going to fall many times. Even despite the pain my husband was feeling, he was crazy patient with me and encouraged me everyday to not quit and give up. He knew I really wanted to make changes but he also knew the struggles I was having with those changes. He saw a glimmer of hope for us and there was no way he was letting go.
I think the biggest thing for me was I needed to know and understand that sex was just as much for me as it was for him. I needed to see myself as a sexual being, with the ability to enjoy sex beyond our imaginations. I needed to see that sex was not dirty but very beautiful. In our day and time, sex has been perverted and abused to such a degree that to see the real thing is difficult. But I’m here to tell you and anybody who will listen, that sex is a beautiful gift from God designed to bring pleasure to both partners, not just one. Sex should not just be something you do but something you experience. Sex should be the highlight of any marriage.
So how did I get from point A to where I am today? I engaged my mind. I taught myself how to engage my mind in sex. I read about sex. I thought about sex. I did sexual things. I refused to think negatively about sex. I talked about sex with Wes. Sex was front and center in my mind and I saw a transformation take place right before my very eyes.
Now don’t get me wrong. I am a low drive female who rarely, as of today, craves sex. I do not get horny. I don’t desire sex like a high drive person. BUT, that does not mean I can’t. It means I have to use my strongest sex organ to get the rest of my body engaged. If I don’t exercise my mind regularly, my body will become lazy and fall back to old ways of doing things. And because I have learned how to engage my mind, my body is reacting. I enjoy sex like never before. I want to experience sex with my husband. I want to see him so full that he never has to be afraid of not having his needs met. I want to please him like he wants to please me. I have allowed myself to be sexual and to think sexual. I have seen miracles happen that I never dreamed were possible.
There is so much more to tell about our story but for now, this is it. I know some of you are thinking how on earth could you be so open with people about this. The reason is simple. Our marriage has seen a transformation that is too good not to share. Our marriage is not unique. I know for a fact that there are people out there going through very similar things. And, if we can help one marriage by sharing our story, then it is all very worth it.