“I feel so alone.”
“Am I the only one who feels this way?”
“There must be something wrong with me.”
Sound familiar? I want you to know that NO you are not alone. NO you are not the only one who feels this way. And NO there is nothing wrong with you.
When you are living in a sexless marriage or near close to one, both sides of the story carry with them these questions and feelings. The spouse that wants sex feels like he (now know that for textual purposes I have used he but this can be either he or she) is all alone and has no where to run. The spouse that doesn’t want sex feels like they too are all alone with no where to run. Neither understands why the vast difference between them and even worse, don’t know how to fix it.
Both my husband and I have felt this loneliness. So believe me when I say, I know what it feels like. And to make matters worse, it DOES feel like you are the only one who feels this way. Reaching out to someone was so terrifying so we suffered in silence for years. We literally felt so alone.
‘There must be something wrong with me’ is an awful feeling that just doesn’t go away unless someone tells you the truth. So here it is: NOTHING IS WRONG WITH EITHER OF YOU. There is just something wrong with how you have come to the place to believe what you believe. And this is the beginning. Contrary to what the spouse who doesn’t want sex thinks, there is nothing wrong with you. Same goes for the spouse who wants sex.
When the two of you can come to the realization that there is indeed nothing wrong with either of you, you can now tackle what is wrong: YOUR THINKING. The blame game can stop.
Right from when we were little, we were taught things either on purpose or by accident. Unfortunately for most of us, what we learned about sex was not on purpose which is one of the reasons so many marriages are messed up and hurting today. Now even though you cannot change the past, you CAN change the future. You CAN change the way you think. You CAN change the course of your marriage with one small adjustment at a time.
Maybe your spouse is not ready to make these small adjustments but when the time is right, here are some questions for you to ask each other to find out why you believe and think the way you do. You can also ask these yourself if your spouse is not ready for this kind of discussion:
– When was the first time you realized you were a sexual being?
– Where or with who did you learn anything about sex?
– Why did you get married?
– What did your parents teach you about sex?
– Did your parents show affection in the home while growing up?
– What words keep coming back to you that someone said regarding sex you just can’t shake?
– Were you laughed at when you asked questions that seemingly everyone else knew the answers to but you?
– Were you ever touched without giving permission?
– What do you think about when you hear the word ‘sex’?
– How do you feel about yourself sexually?
– Has anyone ever forced you to do something you just didn’t want to do?
– When was the first time you saw a pornographic image?
– Are you afraid of being intimate? If so, why?
– Can you talk about your first sexual experience?
– How do you feel when you engage in sex?
– What insecurities do you have surrounding having sex? (The truth is we all have performance issues)
– Do you think sex is your duty? Why or why not?
– What do you believe God thinks about sex?
– Do you think sex is gross or dirty? If so, why?
– How do you feel about oral sex? And why?
– What are you most afraid of in letting yourself enjoy sex?
As you begin uncovering all that has aided in creating your belief system, you may have your own questions that you will want to talk about. Remember, you don’t need to uncover in one night what has taken years to build. If your spouse is not on the same page as you, reach out to someone who you trust.
Find a marriage counsellor or mentor who will encourage you in the area of sex and intimacy. If you cannot find one locally, there are a lot of great resources online. That’s how we did it. We had no one locally. We actually found ours in Atlanta, Georgia, way across the world from here. https://greatmarriedlife.com We’ve never met them but we will always be forever grateful for the impact they have had on us. We would not be where we are today without them.
So yes, you may feel alone. But it doesn’t have to stay that way. God wants to help. He really does. How you may ask? Through people. We all need each other. And God really wants to see healing come to your marriage. He does not want you to suffer in silence. Ask Him to show you who to reach out to. Invite Him to bring you to the place where being alone is a thing of the past.
If you struggle to even think that God cares about your sexual struggles, then this is the place to begin with mind renewal.
Romans 12:2 says “to be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.” MIND RENEWAL goes hand in hand with uncovering one’s soul: what you believe and why. Be patient with your spouse. Be patient with yourself. Be gracious and forgiving. And most of all, invite and allow the Holy Spirit to lead, guide and show you what God has had on his mind for your marriage regarding sex right from the very beginning.