The more I learn about sex in marriage, the more I see the tendencies to use labels as a way to define ourselves. Some commonly asked questions are:
Are you low drive or high drive? Do you feel desire before sex? Do you ever desire sex? Why do I not desire sex? How come I cannot orgasm through PIV (penis in vagina)? And the list goes on.
The problem with these questions is not the question themselves (cause I, of all people, am a HUGE advocate for asking lots and lots of questions), but what we do once we find the answer to these questions. Yes, it is a good thing to discover whether you struggle thinking about sex or whether you think about it all of the time. Yes, it is good to challenge yourself if you never desire sex. But here’s the deal:
DON’T LIMIT YOURSELF BY PUTTING YOURSELF IN A CATEGORY NEVER TO EXPLORE THE OUTSIDE REALM OF POSSIBILITIES.
Maybe you are a low drive woman who never thinks about sex let alone desires it. Maybe you are a high drive husband who can’t stop thinking about sex and you feel like you are going to explode any moment. Maybe you want to desire sex but just don’t know how.
My challenge to you is to just focus on where you are at WITHOUT getting caught up in labels and definitions. So what if you are a low drive woman. Just focus on how you can become more sexual and to think more sexual thoughts. Focus on growing, not on what category you may be in. Focus on making changes, little as they may be, every day.
The place to start here is not what you do, but more importantly what you think. Be extremely vigilant on being aware of every thought you have about sex, negative or positive. Identify the why’s and the how come’s and focus on making changes where necessary. Take one thought at a time, and give it focused attention. Refuse to allow negative thoughts about sex to keep residence in your mind. When negative thoughts come, replace it with a new, better thought. It might look like this:
“I don’t enjoy sex.” (negative) to “Sex is indeed for me!” (new thought)
“I would rather do something else.” (negative) to “Sex is good for me. I will do it more often.” (new thought)
“I cannot change who I am.” (negative) to “I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me. Therefore, I can be who I was made to be: SEXUAL!” (new thought)
“My sex life is doomed.” (negative) to “God wants me to prosper and be successful in every are of my life and that means my marriage bed too!” (new thought)
“I hate my high sex drive.” (negative) to “Thank you Jesus for making me the way you did. I am created in your image and will embrace everything about that. My sexuality is your gift to me. Thank you for helping me!”
Negative thought patterns in regards to sex do not have to keep residence in your brain. You CAN make changes to them. But here’s the catch: NOBODY CAN DO IT FOR YOU! You must be committed to making changes every day. New thoughts need reinforcements every day. Old thoughts are deeply rooted and will need persistence in getting rid of them. But my friends, it is very, very possible.
You do not have to be what you have always said you are. You do not have to succumb to what society has labelled you.
You can change your life… one thought at a time!